“I Channel That Pain In Other Ways": Living With PTSD

Last week, I had a serious lapse in mood. I had gone from being on top of the world to feeling absolute rock bottom.

You’d think something severe had happened last week to cause it, but nope; it was a Facebook post from someone I used to work with.

After seeing the post, I had all of these negative memories flooding back. Memories I wish I didn’t have to dwell on, and moments in my life I wish had never happened. My usual coping mechanisms didn’t work, and suddenly I found myself shaking and near tears.

I suffer from PTSD, which can sometimes mean dramatic shifts in mood, panic attacks, and moments of what I can only describe as "emptiness".

I’ve written about PTSD previously, so here’s a bit of background: I was first diagnosed with PTSD after being in the Manchester Arena terrorist attack. I was in and out of therapy regularly, including specialist therapy to help manage my PTSD, and I took antidepressants regularly.

In late 2019 I was told that while I still had PTSD, it was at a much more manageable level. However, after facing severe bullying and mistreatment in my previous job, I was back talking to a therapist again. A lot of the work I had done to manage my PTSD had been reversed.

When I was originally getting treatment, one thing we talked about was resolution. When an issue isn’t resolved, it hangs over you and becomes difficult to shake off.

I didn’t get that after leaving my last job; my bully was given control of my job as soon as I left, and the Head who enabled her behaviour didn’t care about me at all.

Truthfully, I don't think the resolution will ever happen. Neither person will understand the damage they did, nor will they likely care. There's things I can do, like reach out to them, but this would likely cause me more pain.

Instead, I channel that pain in other ways. I write a lot, and I’m selective in what I publish. I run, which has been useful in blocking out intrusive thoughts. I spend time with friends and family who never fail to make me feel better. Most importantly, I try my best to be nice to others and support anyone who’s gone through similar things to myself.

I talk about PTSD because of the stigma facing PTSD sufferers. It’s not something limited to war veterans; anyone can get it. It doesn’t mean I’m a “disturbed soul" who lashes out constantly; in fact, I’m relatively calm. It doesn’t lead to a complicated life; sure, I have my struggles, but I still live a fulfilling life.

I also talk about workplace bullying because it’s more common than we know, and often not dealt with. I was painted as a “troublemaker" after quitting my job, and I’ve spoken to countless others who are tarred with the same brush. It’s an issue not often dealt with because acknowledging it recognises a shift in the status quo. Many bullies are in positions of power, and these people are often favoured.

One day I’d love to support people who have faced the same issues I have. I don’t know what form that would take, but it’s a cause close to my heart and I want to help tackle it.

Resolution may be needed to help me move forward, but it doesn’t need to shape my life. I have great people around me, including the best parents in the world and a boyfriend I love to bits. I have a fantastic new job with amazing opportunities and brilliant colleagues. I’m grateful to have a roof over my head and an income I can live on. I’ve learned to love myself, flaws and all.

The person I am right now is unrecognisable compared to the person I was ten years ago. Right now, I'm somebody who has faced numerous battles. I may not have come out unscathed, but I've still come out the other side.